It is so sad to see this 8 year old girl at camp have these thoughts about dying and hell and wishing she were there and to have her parents not give a single shit about her. She is wonderful during those happy moments and it’s like she suddenly remembers how miserable she is and shuts down and tells me she wishes she was dead, that she dreams about it. What sort of fucked up person just ignores their kid who is clearly hurting, who wants to die? She is so young and shouldn’t have those thoughts and dreams, but she does and all I can wonder is how they happened. I’m scared for her. She will leave camp and there is a chance I will never see her again and I don’t want her to be out there alone. I want you to live. I want you to be happy. I care. I care. I care. I’m scared that she will continue to go home to shit and will fall deeper and deeper down. I’m going to talk to her tomorrow. I’m going to tell her that I care and I don’t know if that’ll make shit difference but at least I can try. No one should have to feel that way.
I’ve been swimming these past couple of days. It’s nice to get back in the water but I honestly wish it wasn’t at the plunge. It’s crowded and I smell like chlorine and my hair is being slowly murdered. And then I go home and watch the Olympic swimmers and try to figure out how they do things. But mostly I just look at them.